Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The art of the rumour

They're fun. They're entertaining. But at the end of the day, it's little more than math blown way out of proportion. Yes, the rumour writer is much like the 7th grader who has successfully grasped the concept of algebra. It's nothing more than learning to balance equations. So why put so much stock in the rumour? Why read the Eklunds, the Codes, the Spectors of the world? Because they are the teachers. The ultimate mathematicians. They not only balance the equations, but they can show the math.

X + Y = Z + Y
therefore X = Z
where Y = Ed Jovanovski + Dan Cloutier = Roberto Luongo
where X = Z = Todd Bertuzzi = Jay Bouwmeister

...now show your work

Luongo = struggling
Bouwmeister = not living up to potential
variable: Mike Keenan = madman
Bertuzzi = wants out; wants fresh start
Jovanovski = loves Florida; wants to go back
Cloutier = injury prone
variable: Dave Nonis = desperate to put mark on team

...and for those bonus marks, throw in:

Source: Hot dog vendor at General Motors Place spots Mike Keenan
Analysis: Trade imminent

Source: Todd Bertuzzi's neighbour's, cousin's, son's, girlfriend's, hairdresser thinks Bertuzzi is struggling because he's unhappy
Analysis: Todd Bertuzzi has approached Canucks management and close friends and has demanded a trade


See how easy it is?

Now it's my turn. Of course, unlike the Eklunds and Codes, I will name my sources. All the following rumours have been pulled from the lower extremeties of my backside. With any luck, tomorrow they'll end up on Eklund's blog or some forum suggesting a "behind-the-scenes" (pun intended) source in location unknown has reported the following...

To Vancouver:
Patrick Marleau

To San Jose:
Brendan Morrison

Analysis: With the arrival of Joe Thornton, Sharks management is looking to cut some salary. The Sharks stand to save nearly a million on the deal and feel Brendan Morrison is more than adequate as a second-line centre having played with Naslund and Bertuzzi. The Canucks, on the other hand, are looking to jump start the top line and feel Marleau to be a perfect compliment for star winger Markus Naslund and power forward Todd Bertuzzi.
To Toronto:
John Leclair

To Pittsburgh:
Jason Allison

Analysis: With both the Big 'E' and Jason Allison struggling, Leafs management is set to pull off a deal to with the Pens to acquire John Leclair in hopes of reforming the Legion of Doom line in Toronto. With Mario's health issues, the Penguins are in the market for a centre and feel Allison still has many good years ahead of him. The Leafs are also in talks with Mikael Renberg on a possible return.
To San Jose:
Rick Nash

To Columbus:
Patrick Marleau
Evgeny Nabokov

Analysis: Looking to re-unite a hot combo from the World Cup of Hockey as well as HC Davos during the NHL lockout, San Jose Shark GM Doug Wilson has placed a call to Doug Maclean of Columbus inquiring about the services of injured forward Rick Nash. While not normally entertaining offers for the injured superstar, Wilson's package is believed to be "too good to pass up" according to one anonymous source. The kicker in the deal appears to be the goaltender. San Jose is said to be hoping the Jackets will take Vesa Toskala but it appears the Jackets are pushing hard for Evgeny Nabokov and will only make the deal if "Nabby" is included. Marc Denis has fallen out of favour in Columbus while management feels Pascal Leclaire is not ready for full-time duties.

...and to think...I only got a C in math.